Contentment

Being a mama is opening my eyes to the complexity of contentment.

I am learning to be in the space where I am and breathe a deep breath of thankfulness, to glance at where I have been and not beg to go back, and look to where I am going ( though rarely can I see that far) and not hop on a jet plane to get there. I am definitely in process.

In my twenties I traveled all over the world, from the deserts of Egypt to the jungles of Thailand, the fjords of northern Norway to the slums of India. I am amazed, when I look back, how pungent life seemed at the time. With each new experience my senses were satiated with the intensity of living every day on 'the edge'. I often wonder if it was another person living in my skin that saw those sights and lived that life, so far removed I feel from that terribly exciting Svea.

Now as a 30-something wife and mama, I am looking ahead to owning and living in my first home. My husband and I purchased a 30-year-old house that needed complete renovation, and for the last nine months we have been working tirelessly to renovate it. ( I say the proverbial "we" though it is David who has done 99.9% of the work) We still have not spent a night there, and the last 4 months we have been living in my in-law's basement. It still seems unreal that I will actually be living in my own house, and probably soon. I can't quite picture what that will be like. But while moving six times in the last five years I have learned that it doesn't help to live in the " when I finally get there" world, because contentment slips through your fingers as soon as you open your mouth to say the words.

Closer to home, I find the contentment quest is most acute for me in very personal areas, like my relationship with God. I can look back at a younger Svea, who had lots of time to meditate and pray and read truth and digest the subtleties. I can see her praying for a man in Albania and watching that man receive healing. I can hear her teach in classrooms around the world on "How to Hear God's Voice". Today I see her changing diapers and feeding off People magazine at the doctor's office.....That other person, was that me?, I ask.....and God, was that you ?

Somedays I feel like a tuning fork that has forgotten how to reverberate at my Jesus' voice. But, to the contrary, I know...deep down (in the eternal space inside me) that no tuning fork ever loses it's ability to carry a tune. That is what it was created for. And I was created to connect with Him to hear His voice no matter how mundane the moment.

Again, the call to contentment, to being in a different space but breathing the same life. I am smiling, because last night as I went to open my Bible, ( for the first time in many days) I fell asleep meditating on the most beautiful verse. When I woke up, I took a deep breath and experienced something precious, and not so elusive.........contentment.